This article is satire.
The DSM-5-TR came out in March with some shocking omissions. Here submitted are a few new conditions the next version might include:
Animaculism: the state of joy that comes from the care and companionship of nonverbal creatures, with subtypes for canine, feline, bovine, avian, piscine, exotic, and even serpentine.
Hyperfurrification: being covered in exogenous pet hair
Itchymaskanosis: an acquired hallucination, the sense of an invisible nose tickle as if from a hair, possibly from hyperfurrification, inside the mask. This sensation is believed to have originated as a medieval torture technique and evolved over time to its present form
Proboscimegalosis: awareness of large nose state. Often diagnosed by a sore nasal tip, even with proper N95 use, due to that annoyingly placed wrinkle that the green ones all seem to have. Requires delicacy in discussion, as sufferers are often sensitive to their nasal size.
Pearism: the inexorable widening of the waist after menopause or quarantine, stubbornly resistant to shedding or reshaping. The name references both the new body shape and that hard, lumpy fruit that hangs on to the branch despite all natures’ efforts to shake it loose.
Au pairism: the desperate psychological need to have some help caring for these children! It will be worth it someday, maybe even tomorrow, but today, they are germ-delivery systems with short attention spans that generate messes and dishes and piles of toys during the striving to meet their endless needs while also showing them a world of wonder and possibility. Those suffering from au pairism are frequently heard to say, “I need help!”
Autopedalshootism: self-defeating condition, similar to autoprobsocifacialspite excision, manifested by symptoms such as sleep deprivation, Netflix overindulgence, and expanding phone time.
Misdiagnostification: mismatch between external fact and internal storytelling about the facts. Creates cognitive dissonance and unnecessary self-imposed suffering.
Midcareeration: experience of the growth period between residency and retirement, characterized by growth spurts, stumbles, and amazing recoveries
Serenitism: a blessed, peaceful, and tranquil state, not dead or passive, but confident and at optimal functioning. Requires patience, patients, and forgiveness. Best achieved by meaningful work, supportive relationships, 5 to 9 daily servings of fruits and vegetables, and 7 hours nightly sleep.
As these are all widespread afflictions, perhaps they will make it into the next DSM revision a decade from now. We can hope that there will be an epidemic of serenitism amongst physicians by then.
Janet E. Patin is a family physician.
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